If you’re a melancholic parent like me, you know how exhausting it can feel to keep the house in order, the emotions stable, and the routines running smoothly. You probably also know how deeply you care. You want to get parenting right. You want to be intentional, thoughtful, and give your child every possible advantage in life.
But what happens when your child is nothing like you?
What happens when your child is carefree, impulsive, high-energy, and constantly jumping from one thing to the next like a tiny, lovable tornado?
That was the tension I ran into. As a melancholic dad and formator, I crave order and depth. But one of the children in my life, my sanguine niece, had me rethinking everything I thought I knew about parenting.
Here’s what I learned, what I struggled with, and the strategies I use now to parent with more peace, connection, and joy.
The Superpowers of a Melancholic Parent
Before I share where I struggled, let me start with the good stuff. There are real strengths to being a melancholic parent. If you’re wired like me, you will probably recognize these in yourself:
Thoughtfulness
I do not parent on autopilot. I reflect, evaluate, and strategize. I want to make sure I am doing what is best for my child, not just reacting to the moment.
Empathy
I care deeply about how my child feels, even if I do not always show it well. I want to connect. I want harmony in our home.
Attention to Detail
I notice what others overlook. I pay attention to the little shifts in behavior or mood.
Loyalty
I am committed. My child knows I will keep showing up, no matter what.
Depth
I do not settle for surface-level connection. I want to understand my child’s heart. I want them to know they are deeply seen and loved.
These are powerful gifts. But when I forget to regulate them, they can become sources of frustration and tension in my parenting.
The Frustrations That Almost Broke Me
The problem was not my melancholic temperament. The problem was what happened when I tried to parent a child who operated completely differently from me.
My niece is a textbook sanguine. She is bubbly, impulsive, energetic, and constantly chasing something new. To my melancholic brain, she felt scattered, inconsistent, messy, and chaotic.
I found myself thinking things like:
- Why can’t she focus?
- Why is she jumping from one thing to the next?
- Why is she so messy?
- Why does she want so much attention?
- Why can’t she take things seriously?
What I did not realize at the time was that these thoughts were quietly shaping how I treated her. And it was not good.
How I Almost Shut Down Her Heart
It took me longer than I would like to admit, but I eventually saw the pattern. Every time I dismissed her big desires, rolled my eyes at her next new idea, or rejected her enthusiasm, I was teaching her something. But not what I intended.
I was teaching her that her desires were too much. That she was too much.
And here is the danger. When a child starts to believe their desires are bad, they stop asking. They stop dreaming. They stop desiring. They begin to believe that the things they long for are wrong.
That is not how God parents us. And it is not how I wanted to parent her.
The Mindset Shift That Changed Everything
The turning point came when I asked myself a simple question.
Is this approach working?
Was my frustration, rigidity, and rejection helping her grow? No. It was shutting her down.
So I started reframing my thoughts. I realized I was not called to control her, but to guide her. I was not called to shut her down, but to form her.
Here are the shifts I made:
Instead of thinking, "She wants too much," I started thinking, "God gave her big desires for a reason."
Instead of thinking, "She is too inconsistent," I started thinking, "She is curious and creative. I can help her channel that."
Instead of thinking, "She is messy and chaotic," I started thinking, "She connects through joy and spontaneity. I can meet her there."
These shifts changed how I showed up. I stopped reacting. I started leading.
What My Role as a Parent Actually Is
I had to get clear on my job as a parent. I am not here to make my child into a replica of me. I am here to help her become who God created her to be.
That means guiding her desires, teaching her how to discern, and helping her develop the emotional resilience to thrive.
It also means honoring how God wired her, even when it looks nothing like me.
Practical Strategies That Helped Me Parent Better
It was not enough to change my mindset. I had to change my approach. Here are the strategies that worked for me:
Create Flexible Routines
I love structure. My niece loves freedom. So I started building routines with room for spontaneity. I made time for play and creativity without letting the day spiral out of control.
Use Positive Reinforcement
I stopped pointing out what she was doing wrong and started celebrating when she followed through. Sanguines respond better to encouragement than correction.
Bring Joy into Discipline
Instead of being rigid, I brought playfulness into discipline. I held boundaries while making her laugh. That created connection instead of conflict.
Teach Desire Discernment
I stopped shutting down her ideas and started helping her sort through them. I would ask, "Is this something you want right now, or can it wait?" I showed her that not every impulse needed immediate action.
What I Get to Do as a Parent
The biggest shift was realizing I do not have to do this. I get to.
I get to help her grow in self-awareness and virtue.
I get to affirm her desires instead of shaming them.
I get to bring peace and connection to our relationship.
I get to participate in the formation of her heart.
That is not a burden. It is an invitation.
And honestly, I became a better man because of it.
Final Thoughts
If you are a melancholic parent who feels overwhelmed by your sanguine child’s energy, you are not alone. I have been there. But you do not have to stay there.
You have what it takes to lead your child well. You can bring order without crushing their joy. You can teach discipline without losing connection. You can become the parent God created you to be.
It starts with knowing yourself, understanding your child, and choosing to lead with love.
Formation begins with you. Start today.
