Marriage is not always easy. Frankly, it’s a saint-making machine!
Though when we stood at the altar with our rose colored glasses, we thought marriage would be a piece of cake (pun intended). Turns out, most of us experience both good and … well, not-so-good days. I want you to know that’s normal.
Most of us get into trouble when our expectations don’t align with our spouse’s and we try to take control, asserting what we believe is the “right” way (our “manual”). Control and intimacy are polar opposites. If we choose control, it always costs intimacy. When we prioritize intimacy, it requires that we give up control.
On those days when you struggle in your marriage, feel unhappy, and wonder if he’ll ever change, that is exactly where coaching has the potential to ease your pain and turn it around.
In my own thirty-three-year marriage, I can find myself frustrated that my husband doesn’t do things the way I wish he would … like manage money, his time, or his health. Though I’ve tried to share my thoughts and suggestions, frankly, it often lands as criticism, no matter what my good intentions are. I end up frustrated and unhappy, fearing what might happen in the future.
Through coaching, I have learned that the only one I have control over is me; I have no control over his decisions … even if I strongly believe that it’s prudent not to use credit cards, eat out frequently and to have an annual physical.
As I refocus on my locus of control (my own thoughts, emotions, beliefs), stop nagging and thinking I know what is best in his life (as much I hate to admit that), our relationship has spiraled up.
I don’t want to be his mother, or his manager. That doesn’t do much for intimacy and connection in a marriage. Rather, I want to respect him as the expert in his life and a strong, capable man.
As a wife, I can spin in my thoughts about what he should be doing. It’s not easy to see blind spots and where I am stepping into control. This is where coaching is so empowering. Having a coach walk with me and guide me to objectively look at how my thoughts are creating my reality has been a huge part of transforming my marriage.
Marriage doesn’t have to be a constant struggle.
There are skills that can be learned to empower wives, and husbands don’t have to go to counseling! (This made my husband so happy as we always ended up arguing when we left a counselor’s office.)
When a wife shifts, the entire relationship can shift.
So, no matter where you are in your marital journey: newlywed, knee deep in raising kiddos or empty nesting wondering how you drifted apart, THERE IS HOPE.
Christ led the way teaching us how to love. Most of us don’t do this well, lacking key skills that simply aren’t taught in schools or most families of origin. Marital struggles might just be a blessing pointing us to our Savior, NOT to divorce court or living unhappily til death do us part.
Scripture tells us to take our thoughts captive, but how do we do that exactly? Metanoia Catholic’s journal and coaching are the perfect tools.
As you take thoughts through the Reason Cycle, you’ll be empowered to intentionally shift and step into your power onto a pathway to a peaceful, happy life.
Let’s take the example of having a husband who eats out daily. When I think of this problem, I have a thought that he’s irresponsible, which leaves me feeling frustrated. From this thought and emotion, I show up irritated, judgmental, critical, cold and resentful. I tell him that he’s irresponsible and doesn’t manage money well. The outcome is an argument and ME being irresponsible trying to control my husband!
Before having this technique, I never would have taken my thought captive and persecuted it to see the impact it was having in my life: creating exactly what I don’t want in life.
After reflecting on a series of questions and admitting that he’s not irresponsible 100% of the time, proven by how hard he works, I recognize that this is not a useful thought.
I intentionally choose a new empowering thought that, “He’s doing him and that’s ok. I want to be his lover, not his mother.” This creates a feeling of release and freedom as I step out of judgment and into love, and I show up in a much more attractive manner, creating connection in our marriage.
I add the skills of self-care and gratitude to refocus my energy and my mind as I relinquish inappropriate control and intentionally choose to respect my husband.
If you’re struggling in your marriage, chances are it’s not your fault, nor your husband’s fault. Rather, you’ve just never been taught the specific skills, including how to master your mindset, that truly work to create happy, lifelong marriages.
As a Certified Marriage Coach and Professionally Trained Metanoia Catholic Mindset Coach, I work with Catholic wives to teach the exact skills that redirected my husband and I off the road to divorce and onto the pathway of renewed love.
I stand boldly for marriage and family. If you need support, reach out.
