“The glory of God is man fully alive.” – St. Irenaeus

Which begs the question, what does it mean to be fully alive?  

For many years this question wasn’t even something I had time to ask myself. Lost in the busyness of life; four small kids, a full-time job, and stuck in people-pleasing and perfectionistic behavior. The question was more how do I stay alive rather than how do I become fully alive.

Thankfully, we have a God who loves us and who constantly pursues us. So, even when we don’t know what we are missing, He finds a way through. He makes the way.

How did He find me? Well, I was invited to attend an intensive leadership development course at a leading business school. One of the assignments was to draw a picture that represented what we wanted to achieve through our attendance of that course. I’m not known for my ability to think on the spot, nor as a matter of fact for my artistic skills, and so I sat rigid with fear. Unable to think of anything, I silently prayed, “Dear Jesus, please inspire me with something to draw.”

And little did I know then that what I would draw that day, now more than ten years ago, would start me on a journey of discovering who I am and what it means to be fully alive.

So what did I draw? I’ll show you…

As you can clearly see, drawing is not one of my strongest gifts, so let me explain.

You will notice three smaller women each with a different dress (well triangle skirts!) and then one bigger woman. As I explained it to the group, there is “Anne the mum and wife” with her four little girls, there is “Anne the career woman”, and there is “Anne the friend/community/parish woman.” In each of these areas there is a different set of expectations and responsibilities, each represented by a different dress – the dress that I think will be perfect and will please in that situation while still juggling the other parts of my life. It was exhausting.  Then I shared that what I want to discover is who I really am – the woman with one dress. One dress that is hers. One dress that is comfortable. One dress that fits her well. I want to live as who I was created to be, not who I think I should be!

Jesus had my attention now, and so I made a decision to go daily to the church at lunchtime and sit quietly, asking Jesus, “Who am I?”

I was hoping I would hear a long list of all the talents and gifts he had given me, but instead, I heard Jesus say,  “You are my Beloved Daughter. You are mine, and I am yours.” This continued for many many months and slowly over time, I became more peaceful, less tired and more aware of my unhelpful thoughts.  

For so long I had believed that trying to be perfect and trying to please everyone were noble pursuits. (Now, I am not suggesting that trying to do our best and helping one another are bad things. These are good things – really good things!) I am talking about the kind of perfectionism that keeps us bound in fear, stops us from trying new things or speaking up, and stops us from being fully alive. This kind of people-pleasing keeps us so focused on others, that we lose sight of ourselves, our needs, our wants, our desires – our unique calling and contribution to the world!

Both perfectionism and people-pleasing keep us bound in unhelpful thoughts, such as, “I am not good enough” or “I will be rejected and abandoned.”  These thoughts lead us to emotions which lead us to actions, which stop us from being fully alive. Why? Because we are not focused on becoming who we were created to be.

Since I drew that picture well over ten years ago now, the Lord has been slowly, tenderly, and compassionately inviting me into something new – a new way of being, of seeing, of understanding. And He has used many people and tools along the way.

Not too long ago I discovered the Metanoia Catholic Academy, the journal, and the Purgative Way Coach Training course. I had already completed a secular life coaching course, but Purgative Way brought the missing element to coaching and taught me how to uncover unhelpful thoughts, interrogate them in light of the Truth and to choose new thoughts that align with who He is and who He says I am.

When my thoughts are aligned with God’s truth, the truth that each of us are Beloved Sons or Daughters of the One True King, then I know I am good enough and that He will never reject or abandon me.  

When I can stand in the truth of who He is and who I am, then I put on my dress – the one that is mine and no-one else’s. The one that allows me to be fully alive, because it fits and is evident that it is mine. Is it pristine, and perfect? No. But it’s comfortable and unique and it’s the one He designed for me, so it allows God’s glory to shine.

So, come and be coached! Discover your unhelpful thoughts and behaviors, and allow Jesus to cloth you in your own unique garments.

Hey y’all! Emily here. I’m one of the Resident Coaches at Metanoia Catholic, and I’m hopping on the blog today to share with you how my vision of motherhood completely wrecked me (this was a good thing) and offer you a special invitation.

Before I was married, I heard this quote by Saint Teresa of Avila, “God walks among the pots and pans.” Immediately, I imagined this beautiful pregnancy, nursing a sweet baby with little ones playing all around me, jelly-smudged faces, dirty handprints on the glass windows, and a messy well lived-in home. I am not naive, so it did also include sitting with my children, engaged in tough conversations about life during the various seasons of their lives. Marriage and parenting would not be easy. I knew this, but I was confident that God would provide all the graces needed to face every challenge head on. It would be my path to sanctity and holiness and that was exciting. I was always ready for a challenge, so bring it on. This was my image of motherhood.

I was so excited when I saw those two little lines on that stick for the first time. I knew right then and there that my life had changed forever, and I immediately started to plan. I began to imagine all the different milestones we would get to experience with this sweet little one. The vision was finally becoming true, and my husband and I could not wait!

A few short weeks later the plans, the dream, the beautiful imagery in my mind of motherhood came crashing down. Around 8 weeks, I began to feel that something was wrong. One day at work I started bleeding and quickly called my doctor to be seen. The image of my womb on that ultrasound screen showed evidence of this precious life, but there was no heartbeat. I was miscarrying. My heart shattered.

Everything I had imagined for this sweet baby was no longer possible. The innocence of those beautiful images around motherhood quickly shattered, and I was left holding all of the pieces. This was my first pregnancy. This was my first taste of motherhood, and it was not anything like I imagined.

Our imagination is powerful. So powerful in fact, that the Enemy uses it often to take us down. He places those scenes at the most convenient times as evidence to distort the truth. And that’s exactly what happened. He took truths about my grief and presented them in a way that led to despair, anger, shame, and fear. I could not shake the images that I now associated with motherhood, because of multiple losses.

My womb, an empty tomb.

Empty arms with no baby to snuggle.

Breast milk with no baby to drink.

Empty chairs around the dinner table with missing little ones.

A quiet house with a lack of laughter and pitter-patter running up and down the halls.

Over the years, these were the new images of motherhood that took residency in my mind, and what I looked to as we discerned about expanding family size. Being open to life no longer was about being open to a living baby. That was not a guarantee. Instead, the question my husband and I asked ourselves was, “Are we open to death? Are we open to more pain, grief, and sorrow?”

I would like to piously say that it was an easy yes, but it wasn’t. I didn’t want to do it. It didn’t feel good at all. Losing a baby comes with extremely raw and vulnerable emotion,  and because there are so many, it can feel like you are drowning. So each time we faced this discernment, weighing whether we were ready for that again was very intimidating. This image of becoming pregnant again and losing another baby was often dark and included chaotic thinking, but there in the corner of this picture was this tiny sliver of light. It was subtle, but the longer I stared at it, the more drawn to it I was. So I said yes. Again and again and again.

Six of my 10 pregnancies include entrusting my little ones back to the Lord, and my last living birth included me placing the conclusion of my fertility years at His feet. Each yes required me to just sit in the uncomfortable darkness of my emotions, and look at them one by one.

Believe me when I say I was completely resistant for many years. Pride told me so many times I could just rise above them by myself and in time they would go away. I shouldn’t bother anyone, especially God, with my silly feelings and desires. I was being ridiculous for feeling so deeply this emptiness of not having these babies here with me. But that glimmer of light kept me hoping that maybe there was a different way.

Finally, someone took my hand and sat with me in the dark and showed me that it didn’t have to be scary. Every time that tiny bit of light, the Lord’s light, became a little stronger and stronger and shed understanding and grace. I realized that I wasn’t sitting alone in this dark room, but He was with me. He had been there the whole time. With each encounter, I discovered He was inviting me to share with Him each emotion. He didn’t just want me to share though, He asked me to give it to Him. He wanted to take each one and transform it into something beautiful that I couldn’t see.

Each time I handed to Him another piece (even the real ugly ones like jealousy), I became untethered from the distorted images that surrounded my grief. I began to see myself and my motherhood not from a place of despair any longer, but with HOPE.

Hope looked radically different than what I imagined to be. Hope showed me that death did not define my story. Hope allowed joy and excitement alongside my grief, not to replace it. Hope restored beautiful images of motherhood. Images that include sorrow. All night candlelit holy hours and endless rosaries during my labors. Church hymns.  Cemeteries visits. And strangers bringing meals. It includes them all. But now I am able to see where Jesus was in each image.

So yes, my vision of motherhood completely wrecked me. I praise God everyday for it. It needed to be totally and completely wrecked. Without it, I wouldn’t have ever seen that light. I needed the dark and stark contrast in order to see more clearly a beatific vision of what motherhood could actually entail.

And let me just share…you can too. Our Lord is waiting for you to invite Him into those dark places so He can share His vision for you.

Will you let Him?

This Saturday, May 13, 2023, I’m holding a LIVE virtual retreat for bereaved Catholic mothers called Encounter. During our LIVE time together, I will guide you prayerfully through how to process your emotions with the Lord.

You will also gain access to…

• The replay of our live session from Saturday morning,
• A companion ebook that includes guided prayers and journal reflection questions,
• A Litany for a Loss Mom,
• A Memorial Keepsake printable,
• And a bonus video!

With Mother’s Day right around the corner, I know it can feel extremely painful with the many reminders that we won’t get to experience the fullness of this day with ALL of our little ones.

But, what if you didn’t have to feel anxious this mothers day?
What if you could look at your baby loss with hope?
Are you ready to quit resisting your emotions?

It’s possible, and I would be honored to show you how.
Can you  imagine what the Lord might be inviting you to see?

I can, and it might just be something truly beautiful.

For more information about Encounter and to register, click here!

“You should dance with the skeletons in your closet. Learn their names, so you can ask them to leave. Have coffee with your demons. Ask them important questions like, “What keeps you here?” Learn what doors they keep finding open, and kick them out.” – Unknown

The last few months, I have done just that. I’ve kicked the demons out of hiding places I didn’t know were there. I stared the shouting voices in the eye and didn’t cover my ears. I looked into the mirror and, while the crippling voice of self-hatred snarled its way around me, I didn’t back down. I won’t play those games anymore. I won’t ever look in the mirror again and not be thankful I’m alive. Plain and simple.

But that’s just the exterior. What happened in these last few months was an overhaul of the interior. A quieting. A reckoning. I began to learn again – something I haven’t done in so long! To learn felt like pieces of me were chipping away and, at the same time, I was being poured into – filled to the brim with knowledge, tools, and the ability to see clearly.

I heard about the Metanoia Catholic Academy through my friend Megan, and I watched as her mind was transformed, she took control of her thoughts, and had her eyes opened to what God really wanted for her!

I ended up joining, too. I was ready. I was desperate, even.

I had listened to Matt and Erin’s podcast one day while on a long drive. The podcast was about buffering, which are the things we do to avoid feeling our emotions. As I listened, I felt the truth spread throughout me. I realized that I was buffering. I was buffering by using social media too often, reading too many books (yes it’s a thing!), and even sleeping. I was avoiding what I was actually feeling by filling my time with unnecessary things – things that didn’t allow for growth. In fact, they hindered it. The podcast ended, I arrived where I was going, and I deleted my social media accounts. I was going to commit to learning about myself!

I scheduled a coaching call with Erin through the Metanoia Catholic Academy. I began to examine my belief systems, looking at the thoughts I’ve told myself for years and years. I also began journaling using the Metanoia Catholic Journal.

I was learning how to create space between myself and my thoughts, to examine them, and consider the possibility that they may not always be true. It was difficult at first, but the more I learned, and with each workshop I listened to, the negative thoughts felt more and more like intruders. They became more obvious as I grew in my awareness. I was ready, armed with the tools I needed to remove them from my mind and to let God’s grace wash over me, leading me to safety.

I learned my despair came from my sorrows. And once I sat in it and stopped judging it, I was able to process that emotion and it melted away.

The courses in the Metanoia Catholic Academy became part of my morning routine. I’d listen to a lesson, journal my thoughts, and God opened my eyes to what was waiting for me to see. I prayed for vices to become virtue. I walked towards those virtues, calling them by name, clothing myself in them. They didn’t seem so far off anymore. They became tangible, possible even!

The last three months have been so necessary. Before, I was a ship on open waters, just floating with no direction at all. As I have gone through the Academy and been coached by Erin, the dreams started buzzing around me. They swarmed me. I began to believe that I could have all the good things I’ve dreamed of. And not only that, but I began to believe that God wanted them for me!

I hadn’t really taken action in my life in almost eight years. But as I began to overturn my negative thoughts and imagine what else could be possible, that changed. Recently, my friend Rachel and I just started a non-profit called The Waymaker Collections. Throughout this ministry, I’ll get to use my words, and the gifts God gave me, to make a change, and make a way.

The Metanoia Catholic Academy was a jumpstart to everything I didn’t know I needed.

It made me look again at my life. To respect it. To honor it.

It made me look my demons in the eye and demand they leave.

Growth doesn’t end this side of heaven. But there’s beauty in that. I’ll forever be using the tools I learned in the Academy to navigate life. And it’s only the beginning for me. I have so much more to learn.

But for now, I believe it is possible!

One of my favorite Christian songs is “No Longer Slaves” by Jonathon and Melissa Helser. It’s a song about not being a slave to fear anymore and recognizing that we are children of God. I resonate with this song so much because there was a long time in my life where I was a slave to fear. I didn’t know God or that I was his son.

I was overwhelmed with fear and despair. I was hopeless and helpless. I didn’t know how I was to carry on. There were many things that contributed to this dark place in which I found myself, including alcohol and drug addiction, as well as  other unhealthy attachments and behaviors that caused me many severe consequences.

One day – November 12, 2000, to be exact – I was on my knees in my bathroom begging God for help. I remember saying, “I can’t live like this anymore. I am hurting so bad. Please God, help me. I will do anything.”

The next day I confided in my brother and shared with him how I was feeling. He suggested that I go to the hospital and get help. I listened to him and went to the hospital where I did receive help – more than I could imagine. After being discharged, I was placed in a treatment center where I began to learn about recovery from addictions. Within a few months of consistent recovery, I began to experience hope.

Years later, still engaged in the battle with fear and anxiety,  I was invited to a Catholic mass. It was then, for the first time in my life, that I felt a real sense of belonging that was deeper than anything I ever experienced before.

A year later, I was  baptized and confirmed into the Catholic Church at the Easter Vigil. It was amazing and incredibly powerful! Much of the fear and anxiety I had experienced years back had subsided, and it was replaced by a real sense of joy and healing.

Looking back, I think I believed that joining the Church meant that I wouldn’t struggle with fear and anxiety anymore. However, fear and anxiety would eventually build up and become burdensome due to different challenges, hardships, and tragedies, including miscarriages, losing family members, complications with my children’s health, and a marriage that seemed to be falling apart.

I’ve spent the last few years working on my personal development and faith, and I have made some major progress in my relationship with my wife, my children, and how I treat myself.

The fruits and freedom of my own personal growth journey motivated and inspired me to want to help others who are struggling to overcome challenges and obstacles in their lives as well. Early in my recovery journey I learned that sharing with others, who struggled with addictions, how I overcame my addictions, not only contributed to their success in overcoming their own addictions, but gave me a sense of purpose and direction in my life.

The other effect of helping others overcome their addictions was my own accountability in recovery. This led me to consider how I could spend more of my time helping others in a broader way that would transcend the world of recovery and allow me to help others heal and grow.

There is an old saying, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.” Around three years ago, my wife discovered and introduced me to an internationally well-known author and motivational speaker who teaches people how to grow and become successful servant-leaders. I began listening to his podcasts on personal growth and leadership development and read a few of his books. After learning that he had a certification program that licensed others to coach and teach, using his content, I decided that I wanted to become a life coach and help others grow and learn how to deal with life’s difficult challenges in a healthy way.

Within a few months of training, I was leading small groups of people through virtual personal growth and leadership development coaching classes. For the first time in my life, I was getting paid to do what I loved!

However, I still felt that there was something missing. The coaching program was secular and I couldn’t help but think that it would be awesome if I could somehow combine my Catholic faith and experience with these great and powerful coaching tools that I received from the secular coaching program.

Remember, that old saying I mentioned about the student being ready and the teacher appearing at the right time? Well, nine months ago I discovered (again with my wife’s help) Metanoia Catholic.

I started my journey with Metanoia Catholic just like I did with the secular coaching program. I began listening to the Catholic Coaching Podcast and reading things that Matt and Erin (the founders of Metanoia Catholic) talked about on the show (Man’s Search for Meaning, The Gap and the Gain, and Atomic Habits for example). The beauty of this was that they were doing what I dreamed of doing, which was taking good, secular personal development resources and blending them with a Catholic perspective and world view.

It didn’t take me long before I became a member of the Metanoia Catholic Academy. During those first few months of the Academy, I took great advantage of the group coaching opportunities, and I experienced some powerful transformation that helped me overcome some heavy fearful thinking. I was able to surrender and reduce (with God’s grace and the Metanoia Catholic process, of course) the magnitude of the fear I often experienced because of my wounded past and habitual thinking habits.

As a result of my own transformation experience,I knew Metanoia Catholic was an answer to prayer! I was learning how I could combine my Catholic faith with the other powerful and efficacious personal growth tools I had received from my secular school to help others overcome their difficulties and thrive. So, this past March I was quick to sign up for the Purgative Way coaching program, where I am currently being trained to coach from a Catholic perspective.

It’s been only a few months since I joined the Purgative Way training program and I have already experienced amazing, transformational results in my own life – in my marriage, my fatherhood, and the way I face fear. Even my clients, who I had already been working with, could see a difference in the quality of my coaching and the positive effects it has had on the way that I showed up.

One of the best things about being a Catholic coach is that, with the help and guidance of Metanoia Catholic,  it’s  two dimensional—I get to help other Catholics grow in their God-given purpose and I get to be a product of the product of experiencing transformation myself..

Today, I get to grow and help other people grow and experience freedom, freedom to live in the light and truth that comes from Jesus and His Church—the body of Christ—which we all get to be a part of in an intentional way that leads to happiness and fulfillment.

I can truly say that I am no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God!