For weeks, I would walk past the large flower pots beside our house and notice a tiny shoot of a  pernicious elm tree growing. The elm trees that grew along our sidewalk would cast seeds and one had taken root in our pots that were eagerly awaiting the return of our late springtime daisies. I would take note and pluck off the top few inches of the elm shoot with its thin stalk and few leaves. I didn’t have the time or the patience to really work into the soil to remove the roots of this little tree and hoped that it wouldn’t disturb the emerging daisies or that it would just somehow go away.

My thought life imitated this in many ways. While journaling, I would acknowledge, in Exercise 3 of the Metanoia Journal, that a virtue needed to reach my goals was “more trust in the Lord” but would not spend the time or have the patience to look deeply into my own soul or acknowledge what the Lord wanted to do there. I was content to pluck off the little branch of my own self reliance and hope (with eyes closed) that it wouldn’t grow back. Inevitably, it would.

One day, when the sun was warm and the soil had been loosened by a few days of no rain, I walked past the daisy pot and saw the new growth of the base of a daisy plant. It was being overshadowed by the elm tree shoot. I gently felt around the base of the shoot and began to move it gingerly back and forth in the dirt with the intent to remove the entire root and not simply to break off the stalk. It took some time but I felt the soil loosening and the root beginning to budge. As I continued to work it back and forth pulling gently so it wouldn’t snap, I felt the entire root emerge from the soil. It was at least 15 inches long with tendrils and off shoots and gnarly roots. I turned it over and over in my hands and marveled at how developed it was. And I had to acknowledge that no amount of plucking off the top growth would have ever stopped that root from growing deeper and deeper and from branching off until the whole pot was overrun by elms. It wasn’t easy to get that root out but it was so satisfying when it finally released and the soil could move to make way for the little daisies.

In a way, it mirrored the work that journaling had been doing in the wild countryside of my soul.  For weeks, I had acknowledged that a distrust of the Lord was there but was content to just pluck off the top of that thought by “thought swapping”. Instead of really admitting that I was lacking in trust and really had a great distrust of God, I would simply tell myself to repeat, “Jesus, I trust in you,” (a really helpful prayer when said in integrity and with acknowledgement of one’s dependence on God) and to think and behave as someone that did trust. This would only last for a few days and then I would be back to patterns of self-reliance. I would routinely avoid Exercise 6 in the journal when a thought of distrust would arise in my thought recon. If I did allow myself to think about renouncing or repenting, I would immediately think of all the excuses I had to not trust (childhood abuse, trauma, etc.) and would forgive myself for not being able to trust more without ever acknowledging that I needed to take responsibility for allowing the patterns of distrust to continue. The top growth would get plucked off but the roots of distrust and the self reliance that came with it continued to grow.

This pattern continued for several months. I decided to take advantage of the coaching that the Academy offered and brought the thought of, “It’s all up to me,” to coach Nuve, a Resident Coach for MC. She firmly and lovingly asked me to take this thought to Exercise 6 and asked who would want me to keep believing the thought that  “It was all up to me”.  I laughed (a long standing and familiar coping skill) and wanted to brush it off that this thought was coming from an enemy of my soul. She did not laugh, nor did she condemn. She simply repeated back to me that this was a thought that was not coming from a good place and would continue to keep me stuck. It became clear to me for the first time that this thought came from a place of deep rooted distrust in God and that I was protecting myself with the belief that “it was all up to me”.

Over the next few days of journaling, it became clear to me that I had allowed this thought to grow unchecked and had let the excuses keep me from the freedom that could only come from repenting. I had avoided taking responsibility for my own thoughts because I had equated that responsibility with somehow meaning that I was responsible for the things that had happened to me as a child. Instead of wanting to make excuses, I felt convicted and longed for the freedom that could only come from repentance. It was only through acknowledging my own responsibility for my thoughts and behavior that I could move towards seeing that repentance was necessary.   Not only was it necessary, but for the first time for me, it was desired!

Making a full confession through the Sacrament of Reconciliation allowed my soul to be free of the root of distrust and ungodly self-reliance. The work from journaling and coaching allowed that root of sin to gingerly move around and come out in a complete manner with all of the sub roots and tendrils intact.

And through the grace of that confession, that thought has not returned like it would when only the surface growth was removed. Repentance and forgiveness has allowed a freedom that makes trusting in the goodness of our God comfortable and desirable. This freedom has brought about great joy! No longer is “It all up to me”.  No longer do I feel compelled  to live burdened by excuses born of trauma that would only leave me feeling stuck and shackled to incidents in my past. Acknowledging and working through the thoughts and being led to a posture of repentance has allowed the soil of my soul to be worked over, to receive light and water and to allow new growth to flourish.

John Paul II, in his Apostolic Exhortation on the Church in America tells us that conversion, or metanoia, is a change of mentality. It is not simply a matter of thinking differently in an intellectual sense, but of revising the reason behind one’s actions in the light of the gospel.  

Journaling and coaching with Metanoia Catholic has brought me to a conversion of heart.  Where trusting in the goodness of God is not just an intellectual activity, but a posture of being able to be yoked to a God that can be acknowledged as all good, all forgiving, and worthy of our trust.

Let’s see, where do I start? I would genuinely describe Catholic Coaching through Metanoia Catholic like those Claritin D commercials from the early 2000’s where the screen would be blurry and then BAM! All of a sudden, it’s clear sunny skies for days – does that reference age me or what?

Literally stumbling across Catholic Coach Week last fall opened a door that I firmly believe God had been guiding me to for a year. As a new business owner, I had just decided I was no longer going to invest in coaching programs because I needed to start making money, not losing it, and yet, I couldn’t resist that $19 offer. I honestly wasn’t sure if I was going to show up the entire week because after all, I had been notorious for collecting certificates and programs without doing all the work. Yikes!

Something was different this time around. Not only did I show up every single day, but I also did not hesitate to join Catholic Coaching Foundations in the spring. How could I not join? I learned more about myself in that week alone than in the year prior when I started my healing process.

Catholic mindset coaching, quite simply, gave me the words to articulate things I had pondered about myself and about life. It has provided a depth of understanding that aligns with God so I do not have to stress out about it being true or not.

It was the key I did not realize I needed to begin doing God’s will after leaving my employer. It was as though God was giving me that assurance we often seek when we’re wondering if we’re still going in the right direction.

Metanoia Catholic was my answered prayer.

Possibly the biggest gift I have received in this journey, and the kick start to my new business niche, is the discovery of temperaments.

I admit, prior to this discovery, I had a very difficult time loving myself. Yes, I knew I was “special,” and “unique” and I knew God did not make mistakes, but it was all surface-level knowledge for me.

If God didn’t make mistakes, why did He intentionally make me a sensitive, super negative, worry wart that wanted to lead and do the right thing but just didn’t seem to be strong enough when life happened?

Turns out, I’m Melancholic – like 77% Melancholic, and let’s not forget my second highest, Choleric. It felt as though I was the perfect cocktail for a hot mess, and yet, it brought me peace because, not only did I have an understanding of my personality, I was able to be more compassionate when certain tendencies came up. I not only had knowledge of my vices, which I was perfectly well aware of, but also of the virtues I could attain if I could learn how to work with God to bring them out. That gave me so much hope!

What does this have to do with my business?

Well, for so long I was marinating in a pit with my vices, and I had forgotten all the good I wanted to do in my life. This discovery was the kickstart I needed to take courage and pursue God’s will as I had desired, imperfections and all, sensitivities and everything else that came with who God created me to be.

Fast forward to March of this year and I felt this strong desire to work with Catholic parents who are trying to raise their children in the faith but are finding difficulties navigating both faith and parenting. This is a call that was developing over the last 15 years of life since I first taught Catechism and worked with families that would be frustrated that their children were just “not getting it” as they prepared for their First Communion. In combining my catechetical work with my secular work of serving underprivileged children in a mentorship aspect, I witnessed full circle how we can impact the world if we can empower parents to guide their children. This calling was one of those that you know is most likely coming from God because you can’t sleep, your mind is racing a million miles an hour and you can’t seem to think about anything else. Just talking about it got my heart racing and I was certain that this is something God had been preparing me for.

While these wonderful desires were brewing in my heart, it wasn’t long before Satan stuck his nasty nose in my dream and planted seeds of deception.

“You have no idea how to run a business,”

“You literally just started gaining momentum in your last niche, why would you switch now?”

“No one is going to pay you for helping them bring their kids to the faith. It should be free.”

“You should be focusing on homeschooling your kids and taking care of Luca’s speech delay. You have no business starting new things.”

These were just some of many nasty thoughts that made their way and poked holes in the beautiful seed God had planted within me. Prior to me understanding my temperament, this would have been sufficient for me to stop trying.

Praise be to God, Catholic Coaching Certification registrations were coming to an end, and I did something my Melancholic side kind of freaked out about, I signed up. I was afraid to sign up because I felt I wasn’t “smart” enough to join others that seemed to understand the Reason Cycle better than me. Gotta love that perfectionism, am I right?

I knew I had something good happening here, and I knew that if I could better handle my thoughts, there was nothing keeping me from doing God’s will. I knew I still needed guidance and taking one of the biggest leaps of my life, I was prepared to get ridiculously uncomfortable.

Certification has been phenomenal and the perfect guide as I battle the daily intrusive thoughts that come with running a business. I have become accustomed to stepping out of my comfort zone so often, it’s like I don’t even recognize myself. Let me tell you, I absolutely love it because this version of myself IS who God intended me to be, and I know that I will continue to evolve to be the vessel He needs to reach His people through OUR business. I am finally bringing out the virtues I know I am capable of achieving through my God-given personality and not allowing my vices to define me.

There are still pockets of frustration that arise here and there.

There are still moments when the fear and perfectionism creeps in if I am doing the right thing. Did God really call me to this or did I just mistake His voice for mine? And yet I have a beautiful community of coaches and colleagues that are there to remind me of God’s truth, and that keeps me going.

When I think of the parents that I have interacted with that share about their struggles raising their children in the faith, when I think of joyful stories I receive when they implement a new tool and see their children are receptive, it affirms that I am helping people which is what ultimately matters at the end of the day.

I am not the only parent who the enemy wants to keep idle.

I am not the only parent who has felt shame when the children run around Mass like it was a park, or when they throw my veil at the lady behind us (story for another day!).

I am not the only parent who sometimes wonders if I should just wait until my children start Catechism to learn from better suited guides.

Authentically Catholic mindset work has helped me dismantle these lies over and over again, and to be proud of who God created me to be. God has a plan for all of us, and I have started to believe in my heart that He really did not make a mistake when He gave me my unique personality.

It is a privilege being able to share these tools with other parents just like me.

Imagine the world we could live in if our domestic churches were fortified in God?

Imagine the peace of mind we could have if our children’s spiritual armor was so strong and we were not worried about the world’s influence?

Imagine if our children were so rooted in their identity with Christ that they could become a Saint?

This is all a possibility with God, and I am honored to be part of my clients’ journeys!

For weeks, I would walk past the large flower pots beside our house and notice a tiny shoot of a pernicious elm tree growing. The elm trees that grew along our sidewalk would cast seeds and one had taken root in our pots that were eagerly awaiting the return of our late springtime daisies. I would take note and pluck off the top few inches of the elm shoot with its thin stalk and few leaves. I didn’t have the time or the patience to really work into the soil to remove the roots of this little tree and hoped that it wouldn’t disturb the emerging daisies or that it would just somehow go away.

My thought life imitated this in many ways. While journaling, I would acknowledge, in Exercise 3 of the Metanoia Journal, that a virtue needed to reach my goals was “more trust in the Lord” but would not spend the time or have the patience to look deeply into my own soul or acknowledge what the Lord wanted to do there. I was content to pluck off the little branch of my own self reliance and hope (with eyes closed) that it wouldn’t grow back. Inevitably, it would.

One day, when the sun was warm and the soil had been loosened by a few days of no rain, I walked past the daisy pot and saw the new growth of the base of a daisy plant. It was being overshadowed by the elm tree shoot. I gently felt around the base of the shoot and began to move it gingerly back and forth in the dirt with the intent to remove the entire root and not simply to break off the stalk. It took some time but I felt the soil loosening and the root beginning to budge. As I continued to work it back and forth pulling gently so it wouldn’t snap, I felt the entire root emerge from the soil. It was at least 15 inches long with tendrils and off shoots and gnarly roots. I turned it over and over in my hands and marveled at how developed it was. And I had to acknowledge that no amount of plucking off the top growth would have ever stopped that root from growing deeper and deeper and from branching off until the whole pot was overrun by elms. It wasn’t easy to get that root out but it was so satisfying when it finally released and the soil could move to make way for the little daisies.

In a way, it mirrored the work that journaling had been doing in the wild countryside of my soul. For weeks, I had acknowledged that a distrust of the Lord was there but was content to just pluck off the top of that thought by “thought swapping”. Instead of really admitting that I was lacking in trust and really had a great distrust of God, I would simply tell myself to repeat, “Jesus, I trust in you,” (a really helpful prayer when said in integrity and with acknowledgement of one’s dependence on God) and to think and behave as someone that did trust. This would only last for a few days and then I would be back to patterns of self-reliance. I would routinely avoid Exercise 6 in the journal when a thought of distrust would arise in my thought recon. If I did allow myself to think about renouncing or repenting, I would immediately think of all the excuses I had to not trust (childhood abuse, trauma, etc.) and would forgive myself for not being able to trust more without ever acknowledging that I needed to take responsibility for allowing the patterns of distrust to continue. The top growth would get plucked off but the roots of distrust and the self reliance that came with it continued to grow.

This pattern continued for several months. I decided to take advantage of the coaching that the Academy offered and brought the thought of, “It’s all up to me,” to coach Nuve, a Resident Coach for MC. She firmly and lovingly asked me to take this thought to Exercise 6 and asked who would want me to keep believing the thought that “It was all up to me”. I laughed (a long standing and familiar coping skill) and wanted to brush it off that this thought was coming from an enemy of my soul. She did not laugh, nor did she condemn. She simply repeated back to me that this was a thought that was not coming from a good place and would continue to keep me stuck. It became clear to me for the first time that this thought came from a place of deep rooted distrust in God and that I was protecting myself with the belief that “it was all up to me”.

Over the next few days of journaling, it became clear to me that I had allowed this thought to grow unchecked and had let the excuses keep me from the freedom that could only come from repenting. I had avoided taking responsibility for my own thoughts because I had equated that responsibility with somehow meaning that I was responsible for the things that had happened to me as a child. Instead of wanting to make excuses, I felt convicted and longed for the freedom that could only come from repentance. It was only through acknowledging my own responsibility for my thoughts and behavior that I could move towards seeing that repentance was necessary. Not only was it necessary, but for the first time for me, it was desired!

Making a full confession through the Sacrament of Reconciliation allowed my soul to be free of the root of distrust and ungodly self-reliance. The work from journaling and coaching allowed that root of sin to gingerly move around and come out in a complete manner with all of the sub roots and tendrils intact.

And through the grace of that confession, that thought has not returned like it would when only the surface growth was removed. Repentance and forgiveness has allowed a freedom that makes trusting in the goodness of our God comfortable and desirable. This freedom has brought about great joy! No longer is “It all up to me”. No longer do I feel compelled to live burdened by excuses born of trauma that would only leave me feeling stuck and shackled to incidents in my past. Acknowledging and working through the thoughts and being led to a posture of repentance has allowed the soil of my soul to be worked over, to receive light and water and to allow new growth to flourish.

John Paul II, in his Apostolic Exhortation on the Church in America tells us that conversion, or metanoia, is a change of mentality. It is not simply a matter of thinking differently in an intellectual sense, but of revising the reason behind one’s actions in the light of the gospel.
Journaling and coaching with Metanoia Catholic has brought me to a conversion of heart. Where trusting in the goodness of God is not just an intellectual activity, but a posture of being able to be yoked to a God that can be acknowledged as all good, all forgiving, and worthy of our trust.

251 steps. I remember looking up at those steps and thinking, “There is no way I can climb those steps. I’m too out of shape.”

I had been on a personal journey of transformation. I had started the journey weighing 349 pounds looking for a physical transformation. My intention was to lose weight and get healthy. Little did I realize in the beginning that the condition of my body was only an outward sign of the trajectory of my thoughts. What began as a physical transformation has become one of renewing my mind, which brought me closer to Christ. Any diet or exercise program could help me lose some of the weight, but only working on my thoughts and bringing them to reason would help me to achieve a lasting transformation.

On that day, looking at those steep steps left me feeling paralyzed with fear. In my head I heard, “I’ve never climbed steps like that before, so I know I can’t do it now.” My family had already climbed the steps and was enjoying the amazing view from the top of the waterfall. I wanted to be at the top of that waterfall with my family, but those steps seemed so overwhelming. Although I had lost a good amount of weight, I was still over 280 pounds at that time. I believed that just because I had not done it before, or had failed at doing it before, I would not be able to do it now. This had been a pattern in my life that I have learned to recognize. I was using the past for validation on what I was capable of in the present moment.

Same thought just change the subject:
I’ve never done a push-up before, so I know I can’t do it now.
I’ve never been able to ride a bike, so I know I can’t do it now.
I’ve never been successful at losing weight, so I know it won’t work now.
I’ve never run a 5K before, so I know I can’t do it now.
I recognized that thoughts like this ended the same – me paralyzed with fear and not even trying to attempt what was in front of me.

One of the most important lessons I learned prior to that day was that if I wanted to change my life, I had to stop recreating my past. In the past, I would have sat on the bench at the bottom of the waterfall while my children and husband enjoyed the view from the top. Staying stuck in the past, I was not living. The only way to move from focusing on the past is to focus on the present moment. I learned that all those thoughts were a choice. I had to choose to change those thoughts.

Changing my thoughts took awareness, intentionality, a lot of prayer, and practice. I had to choose to believe something that I had never believed before. I learned to look for evidence that my old thoughts were wrong, and this day, with 251 steps ahead of me, was no different. What if I am wrong? Could it be that just because I’ve never done it before does not mean I can’t climb those steps? Do I really want to miss out on yet another experience with my family just because I am afraid to try? Who wants me to stay here? Certainly not the Lord, for he said, “The thief only comes to steal, to slaughter, to destroy; I have come so that they may have life, and have it more abundantly.” (John 10:10)

To move past a very strongly held belief we need to choose thoughts we can believe. We can’t always go from 0 to 60 immediately. It sometimes takes small steps to build the evidence needed to believe something different than we are used to believing. The thought I chose to practice was one that I knew would ignite courage in me: “I only need to start.”

After I started, the thought became, “I can take one more step.” Despite my knees hurting, despite my back aching, despite the heat that caused me to sweat, and despite the steepness of those steps, I continued to take one step over and over again 251 times. As my children realized that I was climbing to the top, they got very excited and cheered me on. When I made it to the top, my kids threw their arms around me in delight and my husband looked at me and asked, “What made you climb up? I thought you were going to stay behind and wait. If I had known you were coming, I would have climbed with you.”

“I guess I’m sick of missing out,” I told him.

When you encounter a belief that’s difficult to change in your journaling, you may find yourself facing your own 251 steps. Start with replacing that thought with something that is just a little more believable. If you keep practicing your new thought, eventually you will collect the evidence needed to climb to the next level and change that thought to something that is closer to where you want to be. Eventually, you will make it to the top of those stairs one step at a time.

Empathy is a beautiful gift!

Consider a God who has destined us for union with Him and all the saints in the Body of Christ. How fitting that he would give us this intuitive skill to connect with one another emotionally.

But like all good gifts from God, this gift of empathy has also been impacted by the Fall. Where empathy in its ordered form leads us to greater communion, in its disordered form it causes greater division, tribalism, and fosters a culture of victim-thinking.

So how might we empathize well? Start by acknowledging that our emotional lives are shared, yet distinct.

I think of the movie E.T., specifically the scene towards the end when both Elliot and E.T. are growing ill together. Elliot’s brother is talking with one of the scientists about this bond between Elliot and E.T.

“Elliot thinks his thoughts,” the scientist remarks, to which his brother replies, “No, Elliot feels his feelings.”

I think a better response might have been, No, Elliot sees E.T. and thinks his own thoughts, and then has his own feelings.

When these thoughts and feelings match up with truth, it can lead to a beautiful communion. It’s on that level of a shared interior life aligned with God’s truth that allows us as humans to truly share life together in a way that is fruitful and joyful.

But, feelings are not involuntarily caught by one person to another. There is a phrase floating around today, “catching feelings,” that paints an incorrect picture of how our shared emotional life happens. When empathy becomes involuntary, it can lead us to some disempowering places where we might start believing that we have no control over our emotional life.

But emotions aren’t caught from another person. Emotions come from our thoughts, and thoughts require consent, be it conscious or subconscious consent. When we empathize with another person, we connect first in thought, then our emotions follow.

Now, there are some schools of thought that teach humans can connect, first, emotionally, prior to any engagement of thought. I saw a documentary once where a man was able to impact the emotional read on a culture of yogurt by his own negative thinking and emotions. Even if it is a part of God’s design for us to connect emotionally on some involuntary level, at some point we still have the freedom to consent to that emotion and allow it to incline us where it may.

So, yes, maybe Elliot does feel E.T.’s feelings, but he also gets to consent to whether or not he continues feeling them by the thoughts he chooses to think. His free will can show up as a free won’t, too.

If we fail to understand how our emotional lives are distinct, we might fall into thinking that fixing our emotions starts with changing our environment. We need to distance ourselves from “negative people”, instate new legislation, or fix other people’s emotions so that we get to stop feeling sad, or angry, or hurt. But the manipulative actions that typically follow cause more harm than good and end up reinforcing a feeling of powerlessness over our emotional lives.

While we may want to share an emotional life with another person, it’s important to note that not everyone is experiencing an ordered emotional life. When a friend comes to you complaining about an argument with his spouse, he may feel very justified in his personal opinion of the matter. But it may not be an opinion aligned with truth. Maybe your friend needs to own his part in the argument. You may want to connect with your friend, but if he’s feeling very self-righteous in that moment, your willful sharing in that disordered emotion might do more harm than good and only reinforce his victim story and disordered perception of the argument with his spouse.

When we empathize with disordered emotions, the fruits never lead to lasting unity. For example, how often do we fall to the sin of gossiping in order to grasp at some shallow connection with another person in the moment. But gossiping by its nature will always tear at the Body of Christ. It will always fracture a relationship.

When someone is feeling a disordered emotion it is because they suspended their own reason and judgment in the first place. Their thoughts are not aligned with truth. When we unthinkingly empathize with another person in their disordered emotion, we suspend reason and judgment and unite emotionally on a shared lie or misunderstanding of reality. This never bodes well for human thriving.

When this empathy on a shared lie or misunderstanding begins to happen on a group scale, we get movements or special interest groups that focus their attention on fixing a problem that exists only in their minds. They spend more of their time trying to convince the world of their cause and maligning those who do not share their uninformed view point. Here, this disordered empathy now inclines an entire group of people to think and act a certain way–a way that is divorced from the fullness of truth and inclined to vicious acts.

That’s a problem, folks. That’s an abuse of empathy.

So, the next time a friend comes to you with an emotional story to tell, keep your intellect engaged. Get curious about why they are feeling the way that they are feeling, and know that you can create better connections by building on truth rather than shallowly empathizing with their disordered emotions.