What happens when you do the thought work and you still feel stuck?

When you still feel anger, resentment and confusion around a certain circumstance?

Maybe it’s time to call a coach and do some emotional processing.

I recently found myself in this scenario. For a few months, I felt a bit disconnected from God and was not experiencing his consolation in my prayers times in the way I had become accustomed to. Believing I was in a period of desolation, such as St. Ignatius speaks about, I soldiered on, faithful to my prayer times but getting ever more frustrated, and if truth be told, harder of heart!

As the weeks rolled on, I began to wonder if there was something more going on. I had had quite a painful experience. I won’t bore you with the details, but suffice to say that I had taken on a role that didn’t work out the way I had imagined it would, which left me feeling like a failure, angry and frustrated.

I had felt called to the role by God and believed He had given me insight into changes which needed to be made, some of which I was able to implement, but not without a lot of conflict – which as a phlegmatic, I detest!

I had prayed about leaving the role, too, and again felt it was the right thing to do, that God was calling me to focus on my coaching business. While I felt peaceful about my decision, I still had quite a lot of unprocessed emotion around the events that had played out.

In the months that followed the frustration, feelings of failure and anger continued. I brought it to the Metanoia Catholic journal, identified unhelpful thoughts and even wrote unsent letters – a process of writing to the people you believe have hurt you, expressing your pain, forgiving them and seeking forgiveness for any part you played… just that you never send the letter. (I find it to be a helpful way to get the story out of your head and body.)

However, the disconnection with God continued, as did the hardness of heart. As the weeks rolled into months, I began to get the sense that perhaps there was some hidden thought that I hadn’t quite uncovered that was leading to an emotion I couldn’t identify and hadn’t processed.

As so, I reached out to Erin and asked if we could schedule an emotional processing coaching session, rather than just pure thought work.

As I sat waiting for the Zoom call to start, wondering what was I going to say and why had I thought this was a good idea, I began to feel the tears well. His healing presence was coming.

I started by explaining a little of the story to Erin, and as I rattled off the story which had been playing in my head, the thought popped out – the thought that had been hidden – “God set me up for a fall,” and the tears came. I found evidence to prove my thought as well. But in the cold light of day, how could I believe that a God of love would purposefully set me up for a fall, a painful fall?

Having uncovered the thought, Erin asked about the emotion that thought invoked, and was there an image coming to mind. It was then that I identified a feeling of betrayal and the image of a dagger stuck deep in my chest. (I did feel a little foolish and a tad dramatic sharing the image, but it seemed to be the most fitting!!)

Erin very gently asked if I was willing to invite Jesus into the place of betrayal, and I said yes. I could feel my body relax and a calmness descend. I knew Jesus was there but I couldn’t see Him. Erin sensed that Jesus was asking if I would forgive him (not because he had done anything wrong but because I was holding anger, bitterness and resentment against him). As I said yes, the hard shield that had built up around my heart returned and I felt Jesus hugging me.

Erin asked, “Where is the dagger?” and I realized it was gone. The place where it had been was still a little sore, like a wound that needed time to heal, but the dagger was gone, taken away as Jesus had hugged me. I knew the wound would heal in time as trust was restored through repentance, forgiveness and grace.

Why did Jesus choose that my healing of this circumstance would come in this way? Why was my own journal work not enough? I don’t know – but if I had to answer – I’d say maybe to remind me that we all need each other. We are not supposed to do things alone. Sometimes you need a helper, a guide, a witness, a coach to lead you to The Way, Jesus.

I remember the first time I got coached in Metanoia Catholic by Erin Ingold. I had just joined Purgative Way and signed up for the first coaching session offered to our group, “Cohort 3.”

Truthfully, although I had invested in several secular coaching packages before deciding to become a Catholic Mindset Coach, I had never actually been coached one-on-one. Somehow I always felt exposed in that arena. So, here I was on the Zoom screen, in front of a large group of people, whom I had never met, and I was super nervous. But I remember Erin’s advice of gold during orientation.

And it went something like this….Dive in. Go ahead and start making “mistakes.” The sooner you start making mistakes, the sooner you “fail,” the faster you will learn the skill of coaching and become a great coach.

That lit the fire for me. I was ready to go in and go in deep. That meant cleaning up my own mind and limiting thoughts. So why not do what I was going to be asking my clients to do?

Be scared but do it anyway. Be vulnerable. Be a student. Allowing someone else to guide me is something that for my “A type” personality wasn’t always easy, but for some reason with this I was just ready to let go of the reins. I was ready for change. I was ready to become a new and improved God-infused version of me. I trusted myself. I trusted Erin – and more importantly, I saw and trusted her devotion to the Holy Spirit.

Erin came on the Zoom screen with her big lashy eyes and cute, perfectly coiffed hair. She repeated what I had written in the form that I submitted to get coached just a couple of days before.

I began to tell Erin my story of how I was born 2 pounds 4 ounces, and from the moment I took my first breath I was “behind.” That thought of “I’m behind” carried throughout my life and became an unwanted anthem or theme song. I never felt like I was in the right place. I always felt like a square peg trying to fit in a round hole and always at the wrong time. And I always expected myself to do whatever it was perfectly, no mistakes. I should just know.

As Erin and I talked, I could hear the Holy Spirit speaking through her. My thoughts became her words.

I shared all the times in my life where I felt “behind.” Always being the smallest child in class, not really dating in high school and barely in college, watching my friends get married and have children while I stayed single – and so much more. I was now over 50, not married, feeling like I was always coming in on the tail end of whatever new venture I decided to take on.

Erin began to show me that my thought  “I’m behind” was not from God. She allowed me to realize who was really behind that thinking and how it was intended to keep me from my purpose. If I stayed “behind,”I was stunted. If I stayed “behind,” I wasn’t growing. If I stayed “behind,” I would be discouraged to try, to step forward, to be who God is calling me to be.

If I didn’t step forward, I wouldn’t sign up to become a Catholic Mindset Coach. If I didn’t become a Catholic coach, I would help, well, no one. But the enemy’s fiery arrows did not prevail!

And as she spoke, I heard the Holy Spirit whisper “Champion.” I said the word out loud only to be confirmed by Erin who said she was hearing the same. “Champion.”  I now saw myself through a different set of eyes. A different lens. A champion, an overcomer, a survivor, a soldier, even, that Christ brought through adversity time after time.

No longer “behind,” I was exactly where God wanted me to be. I had discovered a huge lie that I had unknowingly signed up to believe since birth. I remember hearing the words “profound healing.” Again, a whisper from the Holy Spirit.

This alone was worth the price of my tuition! For me this one moment of awareness was worth the entire cost of my coach training. All of it. And yet there was so much more goodness coming.

I have now learned to rethink the adversity that I endured. The sting of past experiences was somehow lessened. They somehow had purpose and reason. Instead of “sufferings,”, I now see my life as a training ground. Training to become a soldier for God. A really well-trained soldier. One who has been put through the ringer, as they say, in order to learn how to conquer. How to overcome. How to champion. So that I would learn to come back to Him time and time again no matter what I had to endure. No matter what life threw at me. Broken home, multiple family divorces, death of a parent.

I am now convicted that I was born to be in this life of coaching. To help others go from confusion to clarity, from heavy to light, from toxic thinking to a greater good that they have the freedom to choose for their own lives. To not be trapped into thinking something that is not from God and was never intended to be theirs. To help bring someone closer to God’s truth and how he made that person to be.

He, the Creator, defines who that person is and invites them into who they can be. And I get to help in that mission. I get to help in what, sometimes, seems like the smallest shift of our thinking that changes everything. That is my calling . That is my joy. That is my purpose.

Have you ever been triggered by something your spouse did or said?

There was a season in my marriage when this was happening often to me. It was almost like my husband knew just what buttons to push to send me over the edge… and he pushed them.  Not intentionally, of course…

We’d inevitably end up engaging in conflict, and my pride and desire to be “right” would quickly rear its ugly head. (Any other cholerics out there?) Many times, I wasn’t humble enough to admit my part in the dispute. I much preferred to play the victim, blame my husband for “making me” lose my temper, and call out the ways that he should’ve acted differently. Occasionally, we’d achieve resolution, but most of the time, these disputes created even more division between the two of us.

I knew our fights were not in keeping with God’s design for marriage, but I had no idea how to engage in conflict in any other way… and, honestly, “I was afraid… so I hid.” (Gen 3:10).

(Little did I know that God in His supreme goodness would provide the way, even though I never really even asked Him for one…)

In the midst of my hiding and deep despair, I stumbled across Metanoia Catholic. The more I listened to Matt and Erin teach, the more I desired to learn. Willing to try just about anything to find greater fulfillment in my marriage, I started journaling and quickly started to see real change. It was so simple, yet so profound!

Venerable Fulton Sheen once said, “To a great extent the level of any civilization is the level of its womanhood. When a man loves a woman, he has to become worthy of her. The higher her virtue, the more noble her character, the more devoted she is to truth, justice, goodness, the more a man has to aspire to be worthy of her. The history of civilization could actually be written in terms of the level of its women.”  

I remember sitting in the living room one night. I had just finished praying with scripture when my husband, noticeably upset with me, came into the room and began to raise his voice at me (something we frequently did with one another during conflict). For the first time, I just sat there and listened with my heart and mind guarded in Christ. By God’s grace in that moment, I knew my dignity as a beloved daughter of God and I knew my husband’s as a beloved son. I didn’t feel offended, but instead, I felt a sense of peace “that surpassed all understanding” (Philippians 4:6). I knew his actions were being fueled from his emotions, which were coming from his thoughts…and I knew I still had the freedom to decide how I wanted to think, feel, and act in that moment.

That night is etched into my memory. It was the first night I caught a glimpse of the fruit of the Catholic mindset work I was doing. It took just that – work- to get there, but the reward was a more “noble character” and growth in virtue.

In that grace-filled moment, by not engaging in the fight that night, I experienced a level of devotion to my husband that I hadn’t experienced before. After taking time to pray and journal, we were both able to clearly and vulnerably talk through everything the very next day, with minds that had been renewed by Christ.

We read in 1 Peter 3, “Likewise, you wives should be subordinate to your husbands so that, even if some disobey the word, they may be won over without a word by their wives’ conduct when they observe your reverent and chaste behavior. Your adornment should not be an external one: braiding the hair, wearing gold jewelry, or dressing in fine clothes, but rather the hidden character of the heart, expressed in the imperishable beauty of a gentle and calm disposition, which is precious in the sight of God.” (v. 1-4).

I’ve turned to this scripture time and time again as I grow in becoming the wife God is calling me to be. Those of you who are married already know that two becoming one is not a destination we arrive at fully on our wedding day. It’s more like an unfolding… one that continues to reveal deeper and deeper layers with each year of marriage.

By growing in awareness and learning how to capture and release the Enemy’s lies that have sown division in our marriage, we now have clarity and experience even greater intimacy and communion through conflict.

This summer, my husband, Mark, and I are inviting those of you in the Metanoia Catholic Academy who are married to join our 6-week small group, Metanoia in Marriage. In these 6 weeks, we’ll be welcoming you (virtually) into our home, into our marriage, and into the abundance we have received since beginning our journey with Metanoia Catholic. Not only will we be sharing with you ALL of the Metanoia Catholic mindset tools that helped us start keeping our cool in conflict, but we’ll also be helping you reclaim the time to communicate with your spouse and have more meaningful conversations that will draw you closer in a way you never thought possible!

Click Here to join the Metanoia Catholic Academy before June 17th and sign up for Metanoia in Marriage with us!

Have you ever stood at the edge of the ocean and marveled at how vast it is? Maybe it was on a mountainside, or looking out of an airplane window and seeing the expansion of the terrain below you. It is in moments like this that it is easy to remember how big our God is.

It is humbling to know that the Creator of such magnificent things is also the Creator of you. That you – one single soul, one tiny drop in the bucket of all eternity – are so incredibly loved by Him.

I always knew that I was loved by God, I was taught this since I was a child. But I never fully grasped this idea until the moment that I became a mother. My whole interpretation of the concept of love was entirely changed.

In those early days of motherhood, endlessly staring into the face of my newborn son, I was absolutely consumed by him. I had never felt a love that was so intense. I distinctly remember a moment like this when I was watching him, and I was immediately overcome. As I sat there I thought, “If I could be so consumed by love for my child, how much MORE must God love me?”

This moment completely changed the trajectory of my life.  

It was after having my own children that I started to grasp what it meant to be loved by God. I had no real idea before this. My prior knowledge went as far as the children’s song, “Jesus loves me this I know..” But to actually sit with the idea that the Creator of the entire universe knows every hair on your head, every thought, every sin and still loves you – is just incredible.

It became even more clear when my children began to grow. When one of them would get hurt and I would comfort them, it would help me to see how God longs to bring me comfort when I need it most.

In all, becoming a mother allowed me to see myself as a child of God. Learning how to love my own children caused a massive shift in my perspective and I was able to see myself through the eyes of our loving Father.

Seeing myself as His child made me think about how I allowed the world inside of my mind and heart to shape me. My interior life was not one to be proud of. I would speak to myself in ways I would never speak to another person. I was the most harsh and mean critic, and I would spend most of my days carrying a deep and dark sadness fueled by anxiety.

It would break my heart to know that one of my children felt that.

When I thought of how I must be breaking God’s heart, it helped me to find the drive to become the wife and mother He called me to be.

This realization caused me to deepen the rapidly growing relationship I had with God. The verse from Philippians 4:6 became an anchor for me. “Do not be anxious about anything. Instead, in every situation with prayer and petition with thanksgiving, tell your requests to God. And the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”

I became fixated on finding the peace that surpasses understanding.

The journey has been abundantly fruitful. I have grown closer to God than I have ever been before. He tenderly guides me in those difficult seasons of growth and celebrates with me each victory.

Motherhood continues to be a process of sanctification for me. The opportunities for holiness are abundant.

I am now at a point in my life where God has placed the call on my heart to help those women who are drowning in motherhood, who struggle being a wife and who have forgotten who they are. My mission is to help moms find joy and peace by growing in their faith, confidence and relationships.

I run a group on Facebook called The Pursuit of Peace for Women where I share encouragement and tips to deepen and grow in that peace. I also created a coaching program called Peace Over Perfection where I work one on one coaching women to live out Phillipians 4:6.

As parents, we all want to raise our children to be good human beings. To be kind, loving, considerate, courageous, and joyful people. We work hard to instill virtues in them that will honor God.

The quickest way to get there is to work hand in hand with our Lord and the Blessed Virgin Mary to grow in virtue and conquer our own minds so that we can change the world through our Children.